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Stoic heart with an empathetic resemblence [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2006|10:02 pm]
so i am here alone as i usually am. i am lying in my bed listening to this new cd i bought, one track is just AMAZING.... Collective Soul the track "Compliment" I really listened to it for the first time on my way home tonight from getting new tires put on my car. it has been a rough struggle for me, I have really began to question my faith, then I heard this song. and i really began to think of how I was. what I was trying to base my life around, 'there is something more than the world out there' the song is just amazing it really made me think about things, yes it did make me sad, memories flew to mind and I had to play it over and over again. it's strange how i never realized how awesome this band was. i still think about it a lot, i still wonder what I may have done wrong. what should i have done? what could i have done? to make us still be together. i receive harrassing calls and messages from her friends telling me to leave her alone. it hurts even more to know that mutual friends we had hate me as much as she has come to. of course bold me is never afraid to say how i feel, because I don't want to not say something I might regret not saying later on in life. the fact is when I want something I try for it, but because that is was God wants. he wants to see your true interest in something before he can give it to you. He only helps those who help themselves. i read my bible a few times a week when I have the evergy, other times I am praying and really thinking about giving up, but something inside me clicks everytime, and it has been weeks now, and still. it is still clicking. everytime a cross thought comes to mind I am infuriated to the point I want to let it out, and then a moment flashes into mind and i let go of whatever mean thought i had on my mind. it's strange, and I can't understand it, as much as this girl has led me along i can't hate her, i can't at all. she has done more than she will ever know for me, changed my life spiritually, and saved me from the horrible life I was leading. i can't be mad at her, i can't let her out of my mind. and I pray that she isn't forgetting about me. and i feel like there is some part of her that is still holding on. just a little part that i know if given the chance would be with me. and then she says that she would never come back, and it hits hard. it hits really hard. something, someone so amazing, who showed as much concern about me as i did for her leaves the country for one month and comes back with a change of heart. i don't believe this, for my faith is in the LORD. he makes that decision. she denies it up and down. she pushed as far as i did into the relationship and then tries to say i did all the intiating into what we were doing. which is why i am so glad wrote all those memories and times in my journal. i have been reading them the past few days and they have really opened my eyes and made me think about us. i continue to listen to Collective Soul, they are amazing this song speaks even more.......I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words
To crash on thru
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

sooooo amazing
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Contemplation [Aug. 5th, 2006|08:55 pm]
some things in life are really hard to accept everyday I wake up at 4:00 a.m. and ready myself for work. I get off at 2:00 p.m.
i do this so i will have a better future. i will finally have that life everyone else has or has dreamed about. i'll have a place of my own, i will be able to go places do things. i will be able to go to school and finish my degree. right now I find myself in a depression state. a state of mind that is never fun. but recently I am enjoying the time alone completely by myself. I have taken a lot of time to really analyze myself, really look at myself in the mirror and see who i really am. i have looked at the clothes i wear, thought about the things i listen to, remembered things I had done. i have come to realize how horrible of a person i truly am. i realize finally why I have been single for so long. i have no compsure, i look like a 12 year old, tall skinny to the point it looks unhealthy. many thoughts have crossed my mind of how to resolve it, those thoughts range from A-Z. i have lied in bed at night wondering what i was doing with my life afraid of how it has been going thus far. i have realized it is completely nothing, I have realized how uninteresting i am, i have noticed all the flaws of my personality, my physical appearance, all of it. there is no point in letting life go on like this. i mean all i want to do eveyday now is seclude myself from any contact of another human being. i don't want to be seen or heard from by anyone. i sit here all alone, my parents love me. i know this, god loves me, jesus loves me..... but something is wrong with me and i don't know what it is i just can't talk to people like I used to i feel as if I am the most un-interesting person in the world. almost to the point i see no point in living. as to what sparked these feelings i have no idea, but I am not happy at all......
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2005|04:36 pm]
Holy crap this thing is dead!
same person has updated over and over and over. wow.
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(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2005|03:58 pm]
wow, almost forgot I had this thing.......
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Update [Sep. 19th, 2005|11:41 am]
~You only need yourself to get by in the game of life, so the term "team" is a bullshit term.~

sounds selfish I know
but let me say this

"If you don't look out for yourself, You will lose yourself."

this and many other thoughts have been going through my head this past week.
it made me realize how I barely even know myself and I want to date someone, yeah that doesn't make much sense.

as well as realizing I was not created to be in a relationship, if I was, then maybe I wouldn't fight with myself so much internally.
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(no subject) [Aug. 27th, 2005|02:33 pm]
well this is my journal, and there is something that I must post
something in fond memory of a girl that I miss.
we shared something at the time a year ago, that was too much for me to handle.
I was scared, I was afraid of being hurt, I was confused.
when the truth was, I had nothing to worry about, this was a love that was comfortable.
something that could have lasted. something that I want the second chance to make work.
we all learn from our mistakes
and this was my biggest mistake, messing it up with mallory.
and I want everyone to know, I want the whole world to know how wrong I was.
the friends that disagree with my rekindling of the friendship between me and her. i know you all despise me. but mallory makes me happy, and that is all that matters to me.
truth is, there hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought about mallory.
I am the one that messed up, not her.

we all learn from our mistakes
and even fewer get that second chance.
and i never got closure, because I never let go.
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(no subject) [Aug. 18th, 2005|11:19 pm]
always messing stuff up.
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The END! [Aug. 11th, 2005|03:13 pm]
That is it, I am finished with all of this stuff. cold turkey, I am out no more internet, the end.
no aim
no msn
no LJ
no facebook.

the end, it's no more.....
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Cut back the fat....... [Aug. 5th, 2005|01:32 pm]
well there is another step in the anti-internet process.
I made a lot of cuts on the friends list, I mean it was getting ridiculous.
I never read all those b.s. Scene Kid posts!!
I feel like an old man now.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2005|04:23 pm]
still in search of myself
came to a real understanding today.
Jesus was talking to me this morning, I finally realized.
he told me things that I was longing to hear, and helped me find faith in myself and gave me confidence.
funny thing. he was inside me all along. I was just listening to the devil the pessimist bastard he is, who had my mind consumed with hima and negative thoughts.
and Jesus he is in there, and was all along, and was only waiting for me to listen to him, and let him speak.
things aren't as bad as I thought they were, I am really blessed.
and all I had to do was listen.

I feel soooo much better now.
most people that know me know that I am not the most religous person.
but I do have faith in the Lord.
and today was a real eye opener
the first step to accepting myself and realizing who I am and what I am here for.
and overcoming it all.

....I am ready
... for this voyage
.. this journey of life
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