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so i am here alone as i usually am. i am lying in my bed listening to… - Stoic heart with an empathetic resemblence [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Aug. 7th, 2006|10:02 pm]
so i am here alone as i usually am. i am lying in my bed listening to this new cd i bought, one track is just AMAZING.... Collective Soul the track "Compliment" I really listened to it for the first time on my way home tonight from getting new tires put on my car. it has been a rough struggle for me, I have really began to question my faith, then I heard this song. and i really began to think of how I was. what I was trying to base my life around, 'there is something more than the world out there' the song is just amazing it really made me think about things, yes it did make me sad, memories flew to mind and I had to play it over and over again. it's strange how i never realized how awesome this band was. i still think about it a lot, i still wonder what I may have done wrong. what should i have done? what could i have done? to make us still be together. i receive harrassing calls and messages from her friends telling me to leave her alone. it hurts even more to know that mutual friends we had hate me as much as she has come to. of course bold me is never afraid to say how i feel, because I don't want to not say something I might regret not saying later on in life. the fact is when I want something I try for it, but because that is was God wants. he wants to see your true interest in something before he can give it to you. He only helps those who help themselves. i read my bible a few times a week when I have the evergy, other times I am praying and really thinking about giving up, but something inside me clicks everytime, and it has been weeks now, and still. it is still clicking. everytime a cross thought comes to mind I am infuriated to the point I want to let it out, and then a moment flashes into mind and i let go of whatever mean thought i had on my mind. it's strange, and I can't understand it, as much as this girl has led me along i can't hate her, i can't at all. she has done more than she will ever know for me, changed my life spiritually, and saved me from the horrible life I was leading. i can't be mad at her, i can't let her out of my mind. and I pray that she isn't forgetting about me. and i feel like there is some part of her that is still holding on. just a little part that i know if given the chance would be with me. and then she says that she would never come back, and it hits hard. it hits really hard. something, someone so amazing, who showed as much concern about me as i did for her leaves the country for one month and comes back with a change of heart. i don't believe this, for my faith is in the LORD. he makes that decision. she denies it up and down. she pushed as far as i did into the relationship and then tries to say i did all the intiating into what we were doing. which is why i am so glad wrote all those memories and times in my journal. i have been reading them the past few days and they have really opened my eyes and made me think about us. i continue to listen to Collective Soul, they are amazing this song speaks even more.......I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words
To crash on thru
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

sooooo amazing