||[Jan. 15th, 2008|09:38 pm]
|||||John Mayer (Austin City Limits live)||]|
i'm having a mental fit right now. for no reason what so ever.
all of a sudden i have become just so bitter about everything and i can't figure out why. I am in a lethargic mood. i can't get into school i can't do the homework that needs to be done. so tomorrow i am switching classes for hopefully a better professor because the one i have currently teaches me nothing and i am pretty much showing myself how to do the homework. she doesn't show everything that needs to be shown in order for me to completely do all the homework.
well in other news, i went for my PT test at GM today, it's looking good that i got the job. I may even be a team leader from what i hear just team leaders are being tested this week. i am pretty stoked about that. it's just one more step closer to management side away from the the "line" and two steps away from an engineering position.
so yes i am excited about that, but at the same time i am scared to leave huntsville even though it's inevitable and i know i must. this dream here has come an end. I am afraid of leaving all my friends here because i have made quite a few and this is where i feel i truly belong. I'd stay, but i can't turn down this opportunity that awaits me. full time with benefits and the thought of financial independence. it's scary because i have no idea where this job is going to take me. who will i meet along the way, will it matter, will this finally show me the one person that will matter the most in my life. will that next step come for me. it's the thought of not knowing that is both exciting and overwhelming at the same time. an indefinite future with independence to do as I please and just have fun. but in huntsville is where i find all the fun. I'm just afraid that once i leave here, that that will be the last i hear from these friends i have made. Also i am afraid of what could have been that i never took a chance on, but i know that i really shouldn't worry like that it's not healthy. but for which i tried with and nothing happened i must bid goodbye because I'll realize that in the end of the day it really didn't matter anyway.
so here i am worrying in this predicament that i will never find this fun again. that is the only thought that i am afraid of. being alone, although i tell myself daily it's how my life was meant to be right now and it should be buried in the back of my mind with the rest of the useless things that i do not need in my life. it's a fear. this fear fuels me negatively. despite all my best efforts it does not ignore me. instead it eats away at my very core.
i don't want to leave, but i know that i have to.
i just need comfort in knowing that what i have now, i will always have in the future.
i don't want to let go nor am i letting go of what little insignificant life i have created here.
this post seems sad, and yes it is........
but that's confusion for you, it never gives you any rope to hold on to.